So I said to myself, "Self, just be yourself.."

It's not very often that I get the urge to write about a particular subject or actually have the words to do so, but when a topic comes to mind and I'm feeling particularly wordy- I figure I better get down to it.

Let me preface by saying I am not writing this post for sympathy or validation, but am writing this to show you that no one is perfect and we all have our battles.

So, here it goes...

For a very, very, very, very, very, you get the idea, long time I have struggled to accept my true personality. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with my mom, and my long time best friend and cousin, Jess Anderson, about how much I struggle to just be myself. I can't even believe I'm admitting this online because I am so afraid of people seeing my true self. And the thing is, I know I'm not alone in this. I guarantee you every one of you who are reading this feels this way or has felt this way at one point in your life.

You see, growing up- I was pretty emotional about things and was made fun of because of it. I was never the popular girl in school, I hardly had any friends. In high school I was never asked to dances or parties, and I just felt like girls were always gossiping about me. I felt like I was often misjudged and even had a guy come up to me and say, "Why do you always go to lunch by yourself, you must think you're better than everyone else, huh?" And I said, "Did you ever stop and think that maybe I go to lunch alone because I have no one else to go with?" I exaggerated what people thought about me and struggled to make friends. Not because I couldn't, but because I never felt like people understood me. I felt like I was a 50 year old mind trapped in a teenage body. I got along with people twice my age and never cared for the "school scene." And as silly as all of this sounds, it's true.

Then, when I was in college, guys actually asked me on dates and people liked me. It was weird, I could hardly believe it. But I was so afraid of losing that attention by being myself that I became someone I wasn't. And then, when I went on my mission- it all came crashing down. I had to learn to be myself and to be OK with that. I got better while serving my mission, but found myself constantly guarding my feelings. I got used to rejection and people slamming doors and calling me weird names, so much so that I turned off my emotions a little too much.

Which brings me to today. Although, as I've gotten older my interests have changed, my weaknesses have become stronger, and vice versa, there's still this part of me that struggles to just be who I am to the fullest. I think about this all the time and always ask myself why? Why can't I just be myself?

So, over the past few months I have seriously contemplated how I can be myself and thought...Well, in order to be myself I have to know who I am, I have to be OK with who I am, and I have to be willing to give that part of myself to others. Scary, I know. So here is who I am:

I am opinionated.
I am extremely passionate.
I am very emotional.
I am talkative.
I am deeply spiritual.
I am sometimes prideful.
I am determined, disciplined, and hard-working.
I am also sometimes lazy.
I am a homebody.
I have anxiety about the simplest of things.
I am afraid of rejection.
I love black licorice ice cream and other weird foods most people don't like.
I am understanding.
I am straight forward.
I want to have 4 hour conversations about anything and everything.
I love fashion, makeup, and trends, but I don't love the selfishness that can follow that.
I am a Netflix binge watching fool.
I am a stay at home mom who loves the idea of a career but will not sacrifice my children for that.
I am constantly guilting myself for what I do wrong.
I allow the status quo to get in the way of my marriage sometimes.
I love to serve but am not always the best at it.
I want to please my Heavenly Father and those around me.
I am a deep conversationalist and struggle to have surface-like conversations.
I struggle to feel like I have friends that are truly my friends.
I am overwhelmed when I go shopping.
I want to have a cute, decorated home.
I am not the best filter and can sometimes say things I don't mean.
I don't like to cook, but know I need to so my family can survive.
I am quirky and sometimes funny and sometimes witty.
I hate when people know personal things about me because then I feel it gives them an opportunity to judge me, but at the same time, I want people to know personal things about me so they understand me better.
I overthink almost every thing I say or do.
I have 5 million different business ideas I wish I had the guts to just do.
I would rather have a few very close friends than many acquaintances.
I worry about what other people think, but hate that I think that.

The list could go on and on, but to sum myself up in one word, I am DEEP. My heart is full of emotions and experiences I want to share, but I'm just plain chicken. There, I said it. I feel so much better. I am a deep, loving person who just wants to be accepted. And as I sit here and write all of this all I can think about is that I know I am not alone in feeling this way. We all want to be accepted, we all want to be heard, we all don't want to be rejected.

The reality is the biggest thing that is keeping me from being myself....is myself. I am to blame. And really, doesn't it just come down to pride and selfishness? My fear of judgment is what's holding me back from helping others to be their best self. Isn't that sad. Think of how many people I could have served had I not been so focused on my insecurities.

I am learning that God created me the way I am for a reason. I was put on this earth with this particular spirit to enrich and bless the lives of others in only a way that I can. And the same goes for all of you. And the greatest way we can become ourselves is by being a son/daughter of God. It's by serving the Lord and forgetting yourself. Because when you lose yourself, that's when you find yourself.

I hope this post has made any sense at all because my thoughts are scrabbled. This too-many-years battle of being myself is just plain selfishness.  I want you to know I am deciding to turn a new leaf by being myself and forgetting myself. Gosh, I know that is going to be so hard and I know I will falter. But I believe that by recognizing my weaknesses I can become better. I can become who my Heavenly Father needs me to be here in this world. So, if you're struggling with being yourself, just remember- you are a much better you when you are yourself.