My Hair Is Everywhere

(Readers note: It only took me 6 hours to write this between baby crying, eating, crying, and pooping. I'd say that's a win.)

Although the title of this post will ultimately have nothing to do with the content, it's very true. My. hair. is. EVERYWHERE. Literally, it's in Mack's hands, in his mouth, in our clothes, in our food-yuck. Haha. There are furry, hairy, hair balls everywhere in our house, all thanks to post pregnancy hormones. Gotta love it.

No really, the reason I am writing this post is because I stumbled upon an article that left a very big impression on my mind. You can read it here if you'd like a good piece of parenting humble pie. I will admit that throughout this new trial/blessing called motherhood, I have been very narcissistic. Meaning, I often wonder when my "me" time is going to come, not realizing that the minute I decided to become a mother, I enlisted to substantially lower, no, almost diminish my "me" time. But, hey it's far more worth the payoff.

You see, when I got pregnant, my body changed, my sleep changed, everything changed. And obviously since I've had a baby, I realized my body REALLY changed, my whole life has flipped, my hair has been falling out, I'm constantly covered in spit up, yadah yadah yadah, the list goes on. And it got me thinking- why in the world do mothers have to go through so much darn change through pregnancy to welcome a bouncing baby into this world? Then it hit me a like a ton of bricks, as I'm sure it's hit a lot of you other moms- the changes you experience in pregnancy are only a small taste of the sacrifices you will make as a parent. It's all preparation. One change is always preparing you for the next. And in the case of parenthood, I believe pregnancy and children prepare you for a lifetime of selflessness. Through pregnancy, your body no longer becomes yours. You share it with another living human being who likes to keep you up at night by stabbing your ribs with their karate kicks. You're constantly at the beck and call of your body, whether you need to eat right now, or pee your pants right now! And then once you deliver that bundle of goodness, you are completely devoted to raising that precious little life.

I know I am no pro at motherhood, or pregnancy, or any of the likes, but I realized after reading that article that I want to do better at giving my family my all, and forget about me. I know it's always important to give yourself some time, but I shouldn't be so worried about when it will happen! Having children is the best reality check of where your self-o-meter is at. And my self-o-meter definitely needs some readjusting. There's so much more I'd like to add to this post, but baby duty calls, and I shan't ignore!

Besides, how can anyone think of themselves when they see a cute face like this:

  

Mack: Months 3 & 4

Gosh, I'm behind like always.

Seriously, this little man is getting so dang big and I just love his juicy guts! I cannot stop kissing him to death!

Around 3 months, Mack really started to smile and stare. He also got super drooly haha. For a few weeks in the third month he was sleeping pretty decent. He'd go to bed around 10 and sleep til' 3, and then wake up again at 6, and be up for the day at 8. I felt like a new woman.

At 4 months, he is still laughing like crazy, but waking up about 4-5 times at night (it's been worse the last few weeks, teething maybe?), he loves to suck on my hands, and he's starting to grab at things. He loves anything with lights- like the phone or TV. He also loves when we play boo with him (not pick a boo, just boo) haha. We'll just be starting at him and then go, "Boo!" and he giggles like a little school girl. Mack LOVES when we go out to a restaurant, like it's the only time he's ever really content. When we're home, he's really fussy, but I think it's because he gets bored with me. He is seriously such a social little boy, he always wants someone to talk to him and laugh with him. He loves the constant attention. Right now, he's to the point where he knows when I'm gone.

The other night I left him with Cam to run a few errands, and when I called Cam on the phone, Mack was screaming bloody murder in the background. By the time I got home, Cam was pretty much in a sweat because Mack was still crying so hard. The minute I took Mack in my arms he settled down, and went to sleep. Haha, I think Cameron was a little sad that to no avail, he couldn't comfort his little boy. I just kept telling him- it's just a phase. Although, when Cam comes home from school/work- Mack gets the biggest grin on his face. He definitely knows and loves his parents, which makes us all the happier. The other day, Cameron was doing the stanky leg with Mack, and the worm, and all these break dance moves haha, and Mack was lovin' it! It was the cutest thing, I wish I would have recorded it.

I love having this little boy in my life, it's worth the sleepless nights, and the "I never get anything done around the house" days.

Cam and I can't even imagine what we'd do without him. We love getting to know his little fiesty, stubborn, social personality.

Things that will be, while waiting to be...

Happy New Year... 4 days later

You might think this blog is going to be all about my new year resolutions and what not, but it's actually going to be a little bit more serious. I apologize in advance for the length, but it's about a years' worth of thoughts summed up in a blog post.

First off, can I just say I'm the worst at keeping this thing consistent? I want so badly to keep on writing for my own personal reasons, but whenever I think of something I'd like to write about (at 4 am in the morning) I can't seem to put it in words. The other reason being, I continually have this internal struggle to write about what's really on my mind but have a fear of someone reading it and thinking less of me. But on the other hand, I'm only writing this for myself, so why the heck do I care? Plus, I may be able to help someone with my openness. It's just so dang hard. I've spent a long time building up walls and not letting people in and I'm only making myself miserable for it. So, here it goes- I'm ringing in the new year with a few goals, and one of them being more open with myself and others. I've never had a problem being bold with my thoughts or opinions when it comes to business or relationships, but not so much when it comes to my personal feelings. I'm afraid of looking weak, but we all know that really means- pride. I am, by no means, attempting to become some insanely great blogger that everyone wants to read, I just want to be able to look back and say- "Ya, I really did think that when I wrote it...no fluff there."

Now that I've got that off my chest, I have something to say that I've been thinking about A LOT over the past few months. And that is- things that will be, while waiting to be, is not an easy road to travel. Let me explain myself...

You see, my entire life I have been driven by going the extra mile, challenging myself, doing what I know I really don't want to do for my own good, doing something despite what others are saying or what may be "popular." But with that attitude, it's brought me a lot of self doubt because I've never felt like I quite fit in. It's a struggle I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. I swear I'm really a 45 year old trapped in a 24 year old body, maybe even older. My point is- doing what's right isn't always easy. (I promise, I'll get to the reason for this post)

When I came home from my mission, the day after I came home I knew I was going to marry Cameron. As much as I love Cameron, and as excited about that as I was, I worried about my desires to give myself a few years to travel, and see things, establish myself in a career, and maybe date around just to break some hearts (immature I know). I worried about what others would think about me getting married so fast. My selfish, selfish self even thought about how hard it would be to marry someone who had just started school, and was determined to go to Dental school. I thought about how much sacrifice and work that was going to be for me. Cameron was going to school full time and was only a landscaper. How were we going to live once we started our family? However, that little fire inside me pushed me to do what I knew was right and although I had my insecure doubts, in the end I was extremely happy we got married as soon as we did.

Then, soon after we were married, Cameron and I both knew that we were to start our family soon. And you can bet that I doubted that thought many a time. What would everyone think of me? Home from a mission so soon only to marry, and then starting a family even sooner. Cameron was going to be in school for a looooonnnnggg time and I knew the minute I had a baby that financially things would be bleak for a loooooonnnnggg time. You see the internal battle? Well, once again, I pushed the thoughts away and did what I knew we were supposed to do. Although we got pregnant a tad bit sooner than we had hoped, it's not like we didn't know it was in the books for us that year.

I remember I was so terrified to tell everyone at work I was expecting, because I knew that meant change. Change with a time clock. I felt so out of place at work, almost like I was a loser for having a baby so soon after getting married. Not that anyone said anything to that extent, it's only what I put on myself. I'd see many of my recently married friends going on all these grand vacations and posting about what I thought was their exciting life. I'd start doubting our decision to start our family so soon and take pity on myself. And then as time went on with my pregnancy, and Cameron had to stop working to go to school full time in the summer and move to Cedar, I really started feeling sorry for myself. We had to come up with $3,500 for school on our own, I was gaining weight and feeling horribly ugly, and money was getting tighter. Isn't Satan awful? Can you believe that I was so depressed about such an exciting time in my life? But, like the title of my post, all of these things are things that are supposed to be, while you're working towards a better life.

Since I've had Mack, it's been an even greater struggle. I was told I was going to be able to work from home once I had the baby, but that didn't last long. I was told I was going to be able to go on the company cruise, or possibly get a bonus, but that never happened. My dream of having some money to throw at medical bills went down the drain. And my dream of being a stay at home mom with a little extra income on the side also dwindled. All because we chose to act on a prompting to start our family. Man, it's tough. I can see why so many people choose to wait 'til they're done with school, or have a cushy pillow of green bills to sleep on before they move on to the next challenge. And geez, we must be stupid for rushing into things when clearly we weren't "prepared."

And then those horrible post-partum thoughts come rushing in- you're body has morphed into something completely different, nothing fits, and you just feel plain ole' ugly. At least I have anyway. I'll scroll through my social media pages, and see all these cute fashion blogs and think to myself..."I'll never have the money to buy clothes like that.." Or, "I'll never be able to finish decorating my house because we'll be lucky if we can pay our bills.." Do you see where this is going? Besides the fact that I have negative nancy thoughts, doing what's right is stinkin' hard, and I wouldn't even dare judge you if you felt that same way or are wondering if you should dive into what you know is harder than hard.

BUT, despite everything I've just told you- I DO NOT regret doing what I know is what our Heavenly Father desires us to do here on this Earth. We are here to be tested, tried, and challenged. We are here to have major set backs and learn to be ok with them.

Let me give you a recent example: This semester was a tough one for Cameron. He took an incredibly hard class with an unforgiving syllabus. By the end of the semester he was 7 points shy of passing the class with a grade that will suffice for his dental pre-reqs. 7 points! Is that not so devastating? Those 7 points were missed when, the night before a quiz, Mack had been screaming for 6 hours straight, and to help me maintain my sanity, he took Mack for a 2 hour drive at 2 in the morning while he screamed relentlessly and slept a grand total of 3 hours that night. Can you even imagine the guilt I felt? I prayed and prayed that by some miracle that teacher would give him a passing grade. But before Christmas, it didn't appear that was going to happen. And that very week in church we learned in relief society that part of understanding the Atonement is understanding that we must deal with set-backs in life. At that moment in time, I thought, "OK, it's ok that he didn't pass this class. He'll just have to re-take it next semester and we'll have to take out student loans as much as I REALLY don't want to." And then, today as Cam and I were reviewing his insane schedule for next semester, and looking at his grades from last semester, his teacher gave him a passing grade in that class. I WAS SO HAPPY! The Lord does answer prayers people. But, it doesn't mean that we don't have to go through a little turmoil first before receiving an answer.

In addition to him passing that class, I was offered a job where I can work from home to be with my sweet baby boy and get paid an amount that will give us a little extra to pay some bills. And not only that, but it's a job where I get to work with some really great people with good values and fun attitudes.

In conclusion, my intention was to show you that even though it's not easy, it's worth the blessings that come and will come when you sacrifice now, when you deal with what will be, while you're waiting to be. I'm glad that I can do hard things. And I'm glad that my Heavenly Father pushes me to greater heights where I can continue to exercise my faith and be challenged. I'm also really glad to have a loving companion who is willing to do these hard things with me because he's the one who has to go out and get the bacon, and pass his classes, and shadow dentists this semester, and study for the DAT, and apply for dental school, and go to summer school, and be a loving husband and father, and fulfill his ward calling, and so on and so forth.

So, 2015: Here's to sacrificing being in style, traveling the world, having money, eating out, having a newly married social life, weekly baby-less dates, a decorated home, sleep, and more. Here's to things that will be, while waiting to be... BRING IT ON!