I just need to take a second to share my thoughts as of late (warning: these thoughts may be over exaggerated or just plain stupid because I am a hormonal mess)
Becoming a new mom is the most wonderful, exhausting, draining, overwhelming, exciting, did I say exhausting- experience ever. It's not quite what I thought it would be. Let me explain:
You see, everyone talks about having your first baby as something so emotional and so great, and that you can't imagine your life without them from that point on- but I don't know that I've felt that yet. And I feel HORRIBLE for admitting that. Don't get me wrong, I am so in love with Mack and would give him the world, but there are some nights when I think, why? Why am I doing this? I am so beyond tired, I would give anything to just go back to my simple life of working full time. And then the guilt sinks in that I must be an awful mother for feeling that way.
But, I'm starting to realize, that just like any new challenge or change we go through, it's not easy, and those feelings of unconditional love, and "I wouldn't change this for the world" feeling take time. Not that I regret having this sweet, precious, little bundle of joy- because I don't- but I have been so hard on myself for not feeling constant and utter complete bliss that people make it out to be like. There are moments when I feel complete happiness, and other moments where I feel sorry for myself. Becoming a new mom is hard, it's a huge adjustment, because unlike a lot of other changes, there is no going back- I will never not be a mom ever again, for eternity.
However, in light of these depressing feelings that surely come from lack of sleep, being a mom is one of the most beautiful challenges I feel we can ever experience. It's so humbling. You realize 20,000 times more what a selfish person you are and how much you need to grow and change. I'm no longer on my schedule anymore. My life is totally devoted to this little human being who is 100% reliant upon me to survive. And you know what, I'm ok with that because I know that if it isn't hard, I'm not growing. No good person has gone without trials. I have always been a big supporter of doing hard things, and this is just one more hard thing I've added to my list.
I'm sure I'll look back at this blog and think how silly I sounded, but that's alright. What I'm feeling right now is real, but it's also temporary. I know, just like with any other new thing, being a mom will just become second nature and I really won't be able to imagine my life without my sweet little Mack. And how do I know this- because this is how it goes with any new change in life.
So, cheers to doing hard things because my greatest happiness in life will come from these moments.
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